Warning Note
To tutors: I of sane body and mind herby consciously acknowledge that the following doesn’t adhere to any conventions of academic writing (virtual or otherwise). References will be denied, assumptions unquestioned and spelling unchecked.
To students: this is for my personal development I’m sorry you have to witness this…truly truly sorry. But just so you know pah-pah-paahh-I aint loving it (either)
Before I dive in (I’ve only given myself 30 mins to write this) context of why I’m doing this. Generally, even as a dancer, I’m more comfortable with planning and thinking rather than spontaneous action (abstract thinking as I’ve learnt from the Reader tonight). Having thought (ironically) about what do I want to get out of this course? What WOULD make the biggest difference to my professional practice? The answer is a resounding: ACTION. Without going into philosophical debates about how thinking is an action and thinking and deciding that the best course of action is no action at all…etc. I realized that I’ve been feeling stunted from the fact that too many of my plans haven’t been actualized. Therefore for me this course is about doing. Doing what I normally wouldn’t do. Doing what’s uncomfortable. To quote Allen (which is my new hobby, and I only met him once) “who said learning had to be comfortable? Become comfortable with feeling uncomfortable”. So tonight I’m doing exactly that. I would never do write never mind show the world something I had a chance to mull over, slightly obsess over, sleep on it and whittle away some more. But even in that I have realize that essentially all that is me and my self image. I want to present a perfect image of myself because I don’t want to be jusged, but this perfectionism stops me from doing (which is my current hurdle). And in a twisted way there is a logic behind it, don’t put yourself out there and you won’t be judged. However as much sense as it makes on paper it just doesn’t have that satisfying, moorishness that the ‘right’ answer gives you. Its like people saying to not get disappointed don’t have expectations. Ok….. Yeah I see how that would work but I don’t want it.
Getting back on track. Reason I started talking about perfectionism is bcause this weekend I planned and scheduled my school work. From my planning I deduced that the best place to start would be with the reflection reader as it would inform all subsequent work. Having initial skeem read over it tonight (as advised by the reading strategy in the study skills book) I realized that to produce a piece of academic writing would take time so in the mean time my blog would still lay dornment. Thinking over the ideas in it main point for me was that in the West we value written word to much, even the fact that philosophers acknowledge value of other forms intelligence yet the fact not only that they convey this knowledge through word but encourage others to learn throught words reinforces its value. Subconsiously the message your getting words- smart, actions/feelings…-unexplicable/to complicated/to different (from person to person to compare). Intial reaction to this is the fact that so hard for most people to analyze in the moment because word by its nature comes after something (well, our words), its an interpretation of a feeling, a sight, a though, someone elses words. Same way as in group session was thinking that funny how people work to change perceptions but in a subliminal way you maybe reaffirming them.
5 minutet timer warning
Before I sign out wana add that for me learning is about repetition (unless there’s serious pain involved and then we learn quick). So will continue this process to get better at writing sponatnously, without notes and generally being more comfortable with improvisation. So in effect this is litrally a learning process before your very eyes. Reason for no notes is I relized that generally for me and culturly, dependant on writing because scared of forgetting (historicly communities perseverd knowledge/tales through oral history). So rather than writing (and as someone who the internet has very kindly informed that I’m an information hoarder, good time) solution as I can see or rather the problem is memory. Read a artcle recently wich stated that taking an average person psychologist was able to make him rember 80 digit number when initially he could only memorize 7, concluding that a persons capacity for memory is seemingly infinite. So this is a practical exercise is me rembering my thoughts. Won’t take notes just summerize the days from memory, but equally will be conscious of the fact that I have to write something at the end of the day so stay aware of whats happening around you.
As a perfomer have to get used to fact that people may not like what I create and not to stop myself based on what I think someone else thinks of me.
Clicking post without proof reading. Rembering Jo’s words
- No mistake you can’t deal with
- You can always delet it
Nova signing out.
P.S. That didn’t feel to traumatic. I’ll see if (like a poorly judged call to the ex after drinking) I’ll still feel that way about this in the morning.
